Anger and Hurt: Help for Healing Both

Anger and hurt, they often go hand in hand. Sometimes the anger comes first. That kind of mad you’ll run over and over in your mind and wake up with. Stewing over all the righteous and clever things to say to the offender in return and then realize the flip side of that anger is hurt.  Simply put, our feelings are hurt.

We often wonder “Why now, why this week, why at all?” Did they just need to be right, prove a point? Our minds keep going over what good would it serve to confront them, just upset ourselves more? Hurt them back?  What is the right thing to do?

I’m not immune to this cycle of anger and pain and  I don’t know of anyone who is. When it happens to me I spend several hours relishing in the anger, working on my comeback through my mind. All along I know this isn’t right. I need to gain my composure. I ache from the inside out and make it worse on myself.

As a side note: that whole composure thing could be generational or a twisted coping mechanism I learned as a child. Either way, I’ve learned there are better ways to handle the anger and hurt.

Help for the Hurt

When I get this kind of anger and hurt I have to do some digging to begin recovery. Recovery, sounds serious, but feelings of anger and hurt do take some time to recover from. Some self-help book isn’t the answer and not an answer on how to gain composure.

I have been studying the Bible for some time. At first it was to see what it had to offer me. What can I get out of it to make my life better? What I’ve learned as I have read and studied, is that the Bible will teach me about God. His character, what He has to say about things. When I came to my senses and decided I wanted to move on from this roller coaster of emotions I went to the book.

How do you find what God has to say about anger or any topic? In this age of technology, there are plenty of handy tools. Since I am no Bible scholar I pull up my Bible App and typed in anger into the reading plans search bubble.  You can also search by words or phrases in the Bible search bubble as well.  To try it go to: www.youversion.com.

YouVersion
YouVersion Bible App Image

No experience necessary

There is beautiful thing about God’s Word, you do not have to be a  scholar to read and understand it. In your search for Him, He reveals what you need when you need it. Here are some of His words I found in that search:

Pro 29:11  A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds back.

James 1:19 Know this my beloved brothers let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.

Ex 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.

Joshua 23:8  but you shall cling to the Lord your God just as you have done to this day.

Ps 37: 4-5  Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of you heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act. 

Isa 41:10  fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will up hold you with my righteous right hand.

Read and Repeat Sometimes that Hurt Revisits us

I spent some time reading those verses and have had to again recently. The result;  God is working on my heart, a work in progress not completed.  He loves us and the people who hurt us. That may be the hardest part to understand. I do know  I want to be happy more than I want to be right.  Wait, I want to be filled with joy, not hurt.  Happiness can come and go.  Joyfulness can be sensed even in times of hurt. You have to decide for yourself which you want.

It is never easy. The anger and hurt will come back. You will revisit it again and again. The thing is, you have to let it go again and again until you are ready to work it out with those that hurt you or be done with it.   God really is good, and His word is true, and He and His Word is the balm that will calm an angry heart and heal a wounded one.

Shortcuts

This year I’m not making any New Year Resolutions.  No not me.  This year I’m calling it something different; “My Goals for 2018”.  Calling them something different doesn’t necessarily make it different, but that’s how I’m going to convince myself I won’t have any resolutions to break.

My first goal is to finish up the t-shirt quilt I have been working for my middle daughter from her college t-shirts.  She graduated from college in 2009 and asked me back then.  It took until last summer to start and my goal was to finish before the end of summer.  Nope, didn’t happen.  Now I will say that I’m somewhat of a crafty creative person, however, quilting is not a strong suit of mine.  Want to know why?  I’ll tell you; A Square is Square until it’s not a Square.

 

If you’ve haven’t quilted, this may not make sense to you.  On the other hand it could be the ramblings of my mind that confuses you.  My problem is, not one of the squares I cut out of those t-shirts are square and the corners do not meet up when I am placing them all together.  How did this happen? I know it is all because of shortcuts.  I didn’t take the time to make sure the lines were straight when cutting.  Those shortcuts are making the project difficult to complete.  I have to fix the mess the shortcuts made as I go.

Another goal for 2018 is to blog more often, update my site to make easier to customize, and make it more appealing, with well written content to reach more people.  Ha, easy right?!  Well currently I am wishing I hadn’t made any changes quite yet.  I’m not sure I will be able to import my first posts into this site and if I will lose all my followers since August or not.  Shortcuts are the culprit again.

While proofing what I have written so far I realize that this post is making me look lazy, not an attractive trait.  It’s not that I’m lazy, I’m just excited to get started and think a brief overview of the changes will be all I need and I can do anything.  Hmm, it has just dawned on me, shortcuts are not my problem here, pride is.  Ugh.  That’s an ugly word in this frame of reference.

How often does our pride make us know we are right, and cause an argument over some insignificant matter?  How often does our pride keep us from saying “I’m sorry”.   How often does our pride make us easily offended by some imagined, unintended, or intended slight?  A friend in my Bible study made a good point recently.  People are so easily offended.  So often these so-called offenses get blown out of proportion.  “How dare they look at me cross-eyed!”  “Why they didn’t even notice I was here.”  “Do they even know how hard I work, how busy, tired, sick…fill-in-the-blank…I am?”

Shortcuts and pride are a dangerous combination.  It’s easier to avoid a long hard conversation, than heal a wound and talk it out.  It’s easier to answer “I’m fine” when inside you are hurt, yearning, scared, lonely.  Shortcuts are only good for the drive home from work or to the mall.  Maybe another goal of mine for 2018 will be to eliminate some of the shortcuts to relationships in my life.  Stop trying to prove I’m right when in most instances, it doesn’t matter who is right.   Proverbs 16:18 First pride, then the crash-the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.

Before 2017 ends, let me say thank you for your kind words of encouragement this year.  Thank you for following my blog. I have been given this passion I want to share what God has shown me.  One last thing; may I take the liberty  to ask that if you’ve enjoyed by blog  please click like and follow me and share this post with your friends.

Happy New Year!

Eph 4: 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Rest

I took God up on His offer to rest, wish I hadn’t waited so long.

Let’s take a deep breath and rest.  Rest.  What a loaded word that has been for me.  In the past, someone would say “get some rest” and immediately I’d think I don’t have time.  I did not know how to rest. There was too much to do.  If I don’t do it who will?  Anyone?!  I’d actually get jealous of other people’s free time wondering how they had less to accomplish than I did.  Strong words for such a small idea wouldn’t you say?  Especially when you look at some of it’s synonym’s  like take a break, breather, breathing space, calmness, coffee break, comfort, holiday, leisure, nap, siesta, time off.  Where did that come from, that idea I was so busy I couldn’t rest?  I’d hear my inner voice say: rest is for the weak and lazy, there is too much to do, I don’t have time, just one more thing, then I can sit down.  That is a lot of importance and pressure to put on one’s self.  Does any of this sounds familiar to you?  Be encouraged.

Let’s try that again.  Take a deep breath and rest. Okay that wasn’t so hard.  Some of you may be relieved to know I’ve learned a thing or two about resting and I’m getting better and better at practicing it.

I still struggle to prove to myself how much can I accomplish in a days time.  That’s just it though, what am I trying to prove and to whom?  If my self-worth comes from the things I can accomplish, I’ve set myself up for failure.  This wasn’t something I figured out on my own.  It came from exhaustion of keeping the fast paced schedule for decades.  Raise the kids, keep the house, PTA, church, volunteer, be the perfect spouse, friends, family, holidays, the next move.  Then add in a part-time job.  Oh that was fun and I found out I liked working.  Work full-time?  Sure!  Exciting!  Welcome to 50, now start exercising so you can still feel 30.  Now I’m really laughing at myself.  Sure I feel like 30 in my heart and head,  but I could not keep up with the pace I set for myself.   I kept adding more to do and didn’t take anything away.  It was tiring.

Last spring my Bible study was using Open Your Bible by Raechel Myers and Amanda Bible Williams as our guide.  This study is a very practical tool to help women realize that “God’s Word is for them and for now.”  In short, how to open the up the Bible, read it, and meet God in His word.  I’m not new to Bible study.  I’ve been in studies for years and I love it, especially when I’m caught off guard and learn something new about God.

In this particular study there was a lesson about resting in truth.  I knew that the Bible mentions resting in many places.  Exodus 34:21 Work six days but on the seventh day you  rest or Matthew 11:28 Come to me who all who are weary and I will give you rest.   I knew that, in my head anyway.  This was different.  What I was hearing from God; my “ah ha” moment, was God wanted me to let moments of rest lead me to moments with Him.  I was finding my self-worth through my accomplishments.   I didn’t want that.  My worth is based on what God thinks of me and He loved me before I ever came to be.  In that week of study I finally took up God’s offer to rest. I wished hadn’t waited so long.

In quiet moments of rest, God doesn’t have to compete with my busyness.  He can whisper a kind word to share with a stranger or bring up a memory of a sweet time.  In moments of rest He gives me the strength to get up and give it another try, whatever that “it” may be.

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Irma and the Battle of Fear

God’s peace, daylight, and a packed bag in case we had to leave, grounded me and put my head back on straight for the rest of the storm. 

There is no shortage of heartache and fear in this world.  It comes in different degrees and measured individually.  A week ago the debilitating fear of one that seemed unreasonable to me was not so unreasonable after Hurricane Irma.  It is what 56 plus hours of storm news coverage can do to a person.  Add to that, restless sleep, poor diet, too much caffeine, and I had created the perfect recipe for my own fear.

Let me go back to Labor Day weekend when I knew there was a storm out there in the Atlantic but wasn’t really paying attention, to waking up Tuesday morning for work and the entire area was on close hurricane watch and preparing for the worst. Was it really going to be that bad or had Harvey and what happened to Houston create a fresh urgency in the community? Did we have enough water, gas, peanut butter, flashlights, batteries, ice?  I needed a full tank of gas to get to work that week, no problem, but by Wednesday, the neighborhood station had run out of gas.  It was the first time I sat in line for gas since the oil crisis of the 70’s.

Friday, people in the area began planning their evacuations. Offices closed down early and emergency teams set in motion.  Who could focus, I couldn’t.  I began viewing every weather alert on my phone and receiving emails and text from family and friends asking, “Hey, how close are you guys?” “Are you evacuating?”  “Boarding up and leaving, or boarding up and hunkering down?.” (Side note: No one wants to hear the words “hunker down” ever again!) I replied calmly, “Yes it’s a big storm, if it goes east we will be okay, if it goes west, we are in a little more trouble.”  “It’s looking dicey. ”  “We have to wait and see.”  “Don’t worry, we are prepared.”  Besides, I was watching the storm. Was I ever.

Saturday morning my own fear hit. I felt as if I was coming out of my own skin.  I had tossed and turned and looked at my phone many times throughout the night.  At 4:30 am I gave up and turned on the news.  Irma had changed course again.  What we thought may turn it to the east had done just the opposite and I was looking at a picture of a storm heading right for us that would cover my entire state.  I felt fear.  Our roof is 20 years old.  I had all the supplies I needed but I didn’t have a bag packed if the roof blew off.  What about when it hit the Keys or Miami, what would happen to them? I began crying and woke my husband telling him I was afraid.  Before Irma, I’d had boasted nothing scares me.  I cant say that anymore.  At 6:40 am it was time to practice what I preached.  I needed to pull myself together not on my own but with God.  I needed His strength, I had none of my own, my brain was a scramble, my thoughts running wild as my anxiety amplified.

I love my Bible app, it has tools that I use often. I can search a topic and scriptures pop up.  I searched fear.  As I prayed and worked on getting myself together, my search brought up Psalms 56: 3-4 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.  What can flesh do to me?  This was the Word I needed to regroup.  I’m no Biblical scholar, simple, practical, that’s how I see my faith.  It works for me.  I no longer feel the need to justify or prove Him to anyone.  Jesus is my savior.  I don’t have to argue my faith.  It’s what I have, who I am, and it is working.  I don’t have to see it for it to be real, faith is enough and His living word brings me life.

God’s peace, daylight, and a packed bag, grounded me and put my head back on straight for the rest of the storm.  I still had the stress, the anxiousness that comes from an emergency like this but I was working through it.  Neighbors were out making sure everyone had what they needed and knew we could go to each other day or night.  I was preparing for some house guests who lived in an evacuation zone and posting updates on Facebook.  We would get through this and we did.

Saturday a week later the fear is gone. I find myself thinking of other things.  Thankful I was hardly effected by Irma and yet guilty for bemoaning I’m not able to buy a banana and Starbucks only had soy milk for my ridiculous drink, while people in the Keys don’t have the basics of running water, electricity, and food. Some don’t even have roofs over their heads.  I’m having a hard time shaking the stress from the previous week.  The news coverage isn’t 24/7 but the lead stories are still Irma.  I have so many whys?  Why them and not us?  When will South Florida recover?  How will this change them?  How will it change me?  How is the recovery in Houston going? Did they get all their power back before Irma brought all the linemen to Florida?  What happened to Mexico and those injured and killed after the 8.1 earthquake a week ago? Questions go on and on in my mind. I’m still searching for the answers.

I don’t have any catchy conclusion to this post, I can’t find one.  I have more questions than answers.  What I will do: I’ll pray, keep the faith, help a neighbor, smile at a stranger, skip that Starbucks, find out about Mexico and Houston, see a friend.

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I Am a Runner

It’s about living life with a group of people that lift you up when you need it, about those friends you call family and not only the ones who run with me.

I am a runner.  That always makes me smile when I say those four words.  Yet, I like to call myself that.

Six years ago on my journey of doctor visits to find relief from chronic headaches I didn’t find relief for the headaches, but was diagnosed with Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease (UCTD).  This is a big long name that means somethings wrong is with my autoimmune system, not enough to give it a name anyone has ever heard of but enough to start treatment and a journey to stay healthy.  The best way I can describe the condition is it’s like the light switch of my immune system was turned on to fight something, which is exactly it’s job, but is has never turned off.  Which means, even when I don’t have a cold or some other bug for the immune system to fight, it is up and fighting against my healthy cells and organs. It is such a surprise when you are at the doctor for one thing and they tell you something new. That was an unexpected diagnosis. Now anyone with a medical background that may be reading this and is cringing at my description of this disease, please forgive me, I must dumb it down for myself. It is one of my coping skills.

I was caught off guard by the diagnosis.  What did that mean?  What had I done to myself that caused this?  Hey God, really?  All I was asking for is a cure for headaches and I get this?  No answers just more questions.  Doctors couldn’t attribute my headaches to the UCTD either so that added to my discouragement.  I was prescribed medication but more than that, I was given direction for some lifestyle changes. Change the diet, reduce stress, rest, etc. I was also told to exercise more.  I exercised two days a week, and broke into a sweat sometimes. Wasn’t that enough? What did more really mean? I did not want to do more but it was worth a shot to get some relief from the headaches. Which brings me to calling myself a runner.

Well, more than that, it brings me to tell you about my friends who said they’d exercise with me.  “It will be good for all of us” they said.  What started out as walking five days a week turned into, let’s do a 5k.  “I can’t run a 5K!”  Oh but we did and then some.

This story is really more about my friends than about me calling myself a runner.  It’s about living life with a group of people that lift you up when you need it, about those friends you call family and not only the ones who run with me.  Those friends who know me at my worst and still love me.  It’s a lot like God.   He uses people to show His love to us; how we show God’s love by helping others.  Despite our failures He loves us anyway and calls us to Himself. How will anyone know God if we don’t show His love?  Rm 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

That’s part of the lesson God has given me when my health didn’t live up to my expectations.  Life isn’t to live alone.  What I wanted to keep to myself was easier to bear when my friends came along with me.

Ecc 4: 9-10 Two are better than one because they have a return for their labor; for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.